Anyway, the first 15 minutes blasted out every Top Model trope in the book. Girls ganging up on each other, talking shit, being racist, the whole nine yards. Lexie and Jordan had a competition to see who could be the fakest bitch, and no one won. Then the girls met the judges and we learned that the moral of the story is don't tell Tyra you did something pretty unequivocally bigoted and expect to still be on Top Model. The other of the moral of the story is if I ever wake up and find myself transgendered, and I decide to compete on Top Model (thanks Isis for breaking down the wiener wall) I'll just tell them I slept under a tent made of garbage bags and a car door and I'll be sure to make it to at least the second episode. I think I like Liz the best because she looked like the cover of a Shadowrun sourcebook, but on the other hand I like Kendal because I'm a sucker for a Alabama accent and I don't like having semen on my hands either! Another girl whose name I don't remember rapped for the judges, and I'd just like to say to all the white girls who may see this; Don't rap. Ann looks like Abraham Lincoln, and Esther's boobs are rude as hell. By this point in the episode its apparent to everyone that Lexie does mad bong ripz all day and all night. The sisters are out of control, and I'm glad they both made it in, but in such a way that they were guaranteed to POP THE FUCK OFF when that became apparent.
So the girls all got together and took pictures together and whatever. It's the first episode and I refuse to care until I know who I'll be seeing again on the 15th. One thing I will say is that it hurt my heart with laughter to see Jordan be all "I was trying to sex up the photoshoot" and then it cut to her trying to do it and it was the most put-upon thing I'd ever seen. Lexie looked like she was about an eighth in at that point and was too busy thinking about chips. Mr. J got obvious douche chills and we all got on with our lives. The final call went pretty much the way you expected it to. Seeing that awful Jordan fall apart for not making the cut felt pretty good in the parts of my brain responsible for schadenfreude and being mean. I've got a good feeling about this cycle after some pretty ho-hum ones recently. So, there we go. I very nearly annihilated this post trying to see how long it is and its already too long for anyone to want to read ever so I will leave it at my very favorite thing about ANTM: