Wednesday, November 17, 2010

listen bang-gang. i'mma be real with y'all for a second. this season has almost wrecked my love of top model, and this format has ruined my love of top bloggling about it. when chris left so did my heart, and the long-form bloggling just isn't as fun as it was on my twitter, but to the three of you who may see this, i have great news:

i will update it intermittently for the rest of this godawful backalley abortion of a cycle, and hit it up in earnest next time around. incidentally in the time between me creating that twitter and making this post i've already had a twitter spamborg add me and try to ebang me i guess. anyway, sorry guys!

ann - sucks
chelsey - suxx
jane - suxxx
the other one - ///pray for death\\\

that's all i can really say at this point : \ good night!!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Yeah ok I tried to do this but I'll be honest: Fallout New Vegas just dropped yesterday and I am just not feeling this tonight. I mean I'm watching it and whatever but I dunno, apparently I'm just not hilarious tonight. At this point I have more excuse posts than episode commentary posts so uhhhh

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

OK Blogazoids, I think we got this computer ish under control or at least kind of. Anyway, conveyor belt, casey wins, lexie a stoner bitch who dead (or at least not on the show anymore!!). Can you believe Ann got top photo again? Of course I can, the producers made that decision long ago!! Theme song! Cat makin' faces at me! We're already in full effect. I'm glad Tyra is doing the recaps like she my homegirl, but its also very weird. Which one is Kayla?!? I mean, standard hardluck, but I thought that was Liz' shit. Ann, don't feel weird, you got this shit on luck. You've basically won. Anyway, Sorry doll because you're actually both. It's commercial night it looks like, the very worst of them all if you don't enjoy douche chills. Ann with a Sandwich picture, I love you. I've come to realization over the course of this episode that I don't really have a favorite. Either its a lousy b-dogger that I hate, or a girl I'm kind of indifferent to, or some blankzo I forget from week to week. Ah, Walmart, the home of couture. Anyway, I don't really know how to feel about this cycle at this point, since I ain't got no one to root for. Ann is cheap because its a sure bet and I dunno, she looks like a missing member of the sort of people I hang out with but I'm just not crazy about her. This is episode, incidentally, is mega-ann centric thus far, so I worry that she's either gone or hitting the fiver which has to be an antm record. Anyway, this challenge is pretty consistent with the useless stupid don't-apply-in-real-life challenge standard set in this show. But I mean, its pretty much a game show so I don't know why I'm bitching about it. Chris has a click-click-click-flash moment for the first time since episode one. The girls get debriefed and find out it was a "The Others"-esque manipulation of reality. They were being monitored and judged and smoke monstered the entire time. Then, you know, whatever commercials you get. Maybe not the same as mine. It's not my jurisdiction so I'm just going type my way through this about what-the-fuck-ever. I'm still trying to settle on an overall format for this shit, so the three of you shouldn't count on any consistency for at least this cycle. People at my work keep saying to use pictures but that's where I draw the line, effort-wise.

Man, what a shitty challenge. If people ever had to hear what I say about them in that sort of situations. Well, it would be rough times. On the same note, I really don't care what a bunch of idiots in a crowd think. this is asinine. I can't be catty about these people either, so really its just dead air. Nigel is rubbing his hands like a villain/sex criminal for no real reason. Nigel stops everything to be a dick to Ann and then announces loud-mouth-ass Kacey to win. Liz raises some excellent points about realness. And now Wal-mart shopping spree. WHOOOO!
Sorry, ,you won't be america's next top model. No one freaks out for the wal-mart gift card. Sorry wal-mart. Sherry Goldstein is here to fill in for that other girl with the absurd nose from a couple cycles ago. I'm really resisting an urge to make a tremendously inappropriate joke about Esther and Pyramids (not a titty joke though!). A mush-mouth mummy who every tells me is very important is the hook for this challenge. The camera can't keep up with Mr. J's call-outs for the pairings which bums me out in a weird way. Chelsey has been the new Liz this episode. Seriously girl shut up and take ya medicine. Com-mmm-ersh ti-ime

Anyway, I sort of missed part of this but I saw Tyra run out and show one of them how to do it and I feel like Tyra could shit in a baseball cap and everyone would act like she created the earth. The getup is ridiculous, btdubbz. Mr J turns into a regular Nigel Barker when male models are afoot. Chelsey is fucking complaining about everything. BIG SURPRISE. This episode is pretty rough to watch, just because its giving me all the elements of judge shittiness that I hate the most. Kendal is so damned cute. She's still my favorite. Ignore everything I said before. She did great and I hope she's the streak breaker after the Ann dynasty.

Panel time!

Liz and Kendal - Solid picture, I don't have anything too snarky to say.
- Kendal - come on girl, this is your night.
- Liz - That looks like a shitty catalog picture. I hate that they spent the whole episode building up Liz' real-talk for a reason.

Esther and Kayla - Esther, you lookin' good. Kayla, you're gross, go home.
- Esther - Yeah, pretty alright.
- Kayla - Eat garbage. At home.

Jane and Kacey - Super disjointed picture. Kacey tried to take control and ruined it for everyone.
- Jane - Boresville
- Kacey - Snoresville

Ann and Chelsey - This is the best group shot, for sure. That male model though, holy shit. Cool face, bro. Tyra don't imitate Ann's frankenstein walk, it's rude.
- Ann - Hell of good picture, but I don't want you to win this one.
- Chelsey - Another good one, but I don't really like you so, seriously. Let's let Kendal have this one. Ooh. Negative points on the face there though.

Chris and no one - click-click-click-flash, Talley is right though, mega boring.
- Chris - Boring, Bad face, but not so bad that she's at any risk of going home.

Commercials and Commericals - long, boring

I thought we saw all the pictures, now they're doing these portrait-y ones ,and I just don't care. Esther got elf ears. She a elf. Whatever. I got nothin'. Kayla is going the fuck home. I'm calling it long afterthe fact. Jane looks like a russian bride. It seems like the reign of Ann is almost over. There's a teen vogue?!? OH BULLSHIT THAT IS DOGSHIT. This should have been Kendal or even damn Esther's. I figured Chelsey would be bottom two for the amount of time they spent on her, but I guess its Kacey vs. Kayla in a battle of the barf. My wife accurately called Kacey as the home-goer despite my fervent hopes that it would be Kayla. I mean, its a win either way, but damn that girl was gettin' on my nerves. Another wednesday, another Top Model, another Top Bloggle. Good night, gang~! I'll proofread it tommorow

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Cycle 15, Episode 5 - Bad News Bears

Alright I know all three of you are dying to read about how shitty I am towards a bunch of girls I don't know but my computer shit the ghost and I think its probably OK now but heavens I am too worked up to do any meaningful kind of Bloggling tonight. Sorry gang. I am going to try to do it pretty soon (Maybe.) Anyway, I will say this, Liz' picture was the best but I still stand by my assertion that Liz the Snizz is a great mean nickname. Oh, and it's total horse apples that Ann won again, and also if you refer to your pvr you may note that the girls in the bottom two are incidentally the two rocking the dowdiest waistlines. Lexie, based on how you handled your exit I think we would get along, because we are both total shitty bitches.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Cycle 15, Episode 4 - Episode 3 if you consider the Bloggle canon

Hey gang, PVR tellin' me they have to pose on a roller coaster this week. They are really strapped for ideas or just dicks at this point. I can't decide. Lexie starts us off looking stoned, then it cuts to her in the past looking stoned. Also, deaditorial. The girls get in a brawl and settle it by bitching about Ann. Liz is a bitch and I feel betrayed because she was supposed to be my cyberpunk manface megababe. BOY PARTY!! It's been a couple seasons since they got on that shit. I hope this becomes the shitstorm it will become. Kendal's thoughts on semen necessitate the opinion that any (awkward) flirtation is heavy flirtation. But come on, the fella looked like Jay-Z (not racist!!)! The girls head to Knott's Berry Farm because they're both on the same tier and we get to hear the girls bellyache about it. Whoever turns out to be a roller coaster maniac will be my new favorite. Liz photobombs her own photo and the edgy girl looked edgy in the vein of a costumed villain named the Boffo Baffler. I can't even make fun of the girls' faces in this one without dipping into video games and comics. That's how bad it is; So bad I have to alienate my (hypothetical) readership. Commercial break!

Chris went toters hood about roller coasters. Chris doesn't keep her composure but man I don't blame her. Personally I like roller coasters but there was a time in my life when I would rather lose any opportunity than get on a roller coaster so it's kind of a shitty to force that on people. Every girl looked awful, most of them looked ghoulish. Rough Times. Kayla looked like a lich. Real Talk. Nigel is a total horsedick this cycle, it's really getting my goat, if you must know. Tyra has a magazine about her fat (but fit) ass. Cool. Anyway, Tyra gets creepy and turns Liz into a Tymonculus (see I can make up words too Ty-Ty). I get every impression that hanging out with Tyra Banks is like hanging out with a wild dog. You just never know what she's going to do. Maybe it's Tea. Maybe it's get criticized for being too sexy while she pounds carrot bread down her tract (I totally am not trying to be mean like that but if you just eat like a maniac I am going to call you on that.) Two confrontations in one episode this might be a Top Model record. I don't know! I haven't seen it all! So anyway, The one girl makes some pretty good points about the nature of competition and its commercial time!!

Mr. J is milking the suspense. OH its Matthew Ralston! That's cool! I guess! So basically he's involved in the whole process by pointing out flaws with sorority girl precision. Kendal is so damned adorable. Maybe Kendal just gets sad in the club?? Don't judge guys. Esther looks like a giant boobed corpse in hers. Everyone is getting nasty on the judge side of things. Lexie's experience baffled me because weed usually makes you less nauseous so I dunno why she had such a rough time of it. Rhianna has a crush on Ann~! Good tiny smile though. So, I guess I always forget between cycles but what is the deal with the skull and crossbones from her fake-o TV e-mails? Someone please get back to me on this.

Back from commercial and Tyra teased up her hair and got crazy for everyone's turn in front of the jerk squad.
Kacey: Pretty decent but I like all the ones with octopus arms.
Kayla: Look-a Like-a Lamprey.
Esther: Good looking for a dead girl.
Ann: I don't think this is very good but naturally the judges loved it because they colluded on that.
Chris: Tite gurl, Tite.
Jane: I don't even remember you from the one shot of you to the next. Her picture makes her look like a stout Kristen Bell.
Lexie: Not a terrible picture but I guess earlier we established she was sober.
Rhianna: Yeah, well.
Kendal: I like it a lot but I don't have high hopes for her making it.
Liz: Rough times. It's like two degrees off from a good picture. But the judges rip her apart. See you later, Liz.

I don't have really a lot to say about the judging portion. Tyra accin' crazy. Same ol'. Nigel is keeping his dumb mouth shut for once. Ralston compares Kendal to candy, and honestly you guys he's seriously creeping me out. Judgeasaurus Times; 11 girls, 10 photos. It feels like its going pretty fast this season. Ann fucking wins again. It should have gone to Kendal or Esther this episode, RUDE TITTIES ASIDE, and I will fight for that to my last breath. Or until I forget. So until I go to sleep and wake up again. I don't think Rhianna deserved bottom two but I think Liz needs to go. The judges are on drugs this cycle. That is Dog Shit. Liz has been sucking all day and all night and Rhianna has pretty much been middle of the pack and I just don't think it was her time yet. Especially not when its between her and Liz the Snizz. Fuck this show. I'm out.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Alright we all need to accept that the post about last week's episode is lost down the memory hole. Girl had an eating disorder, she gave a bunch of super crazy talking heads and got the boot. BIG DEAL. I love this version of the theme with what I can only guess is the guy who did that "I like to move it move it" song (I will be damned if I'm going to find out what that actually is or who its by.) Anyway this is hopefully the makeover episode, I have a lot of commercial time to speculate on this. No one will ever read this, so I feel like I can say honestly: Fuck you Old Navy Marketing Department. Fuck you so hard.

Ann is obvs the favorite, so get ready to see her lumber straight to the finish line. Who is this Sara? I've never seen her before. Oh wait, she's just unremarkable. Terra is not nearly as charming when she knocked down. OH FUCK TYRA GOT IN THE HOUSE OH GOD GET BACK. Seriously, that would be horrifying. Tyra you are right about ANTM getting realer and realer with that models fart on each other joke a second ago. Chris; never too beat down to dance. I hope they add sexuality to Kendall via semen on hands. Kinda love that Tyra has to now have 'The Talk' with the girls about freakouts on the chair. But seriously girls I don't get that. : (. BE NERVOUS TERRA TYRA IS A HAIR SNAKE. Lexie got super high and now she's all dropping pranks. Now we're getting the chair freakouts early over nothing. I hope this doesn't ruin the chair freakouts to come. I'm trying to do this as I watch the show this time, if you couldn't tell, and I'm not sure if its appropriate to comment on the commercials. I can't pretend like anyone actually reads this, but if you should happen to stumble across this looking for CYCLE 20 SPOILERS!!!, let me know what you think in the comments!

They really need to stop humanizing those twins because I came into this with them in my team of favorites because they were so ridiculous. Also, Liz' hair. man. You favorites are killing yourselves tonight. Lexie's such a bitch. So is Liz apparently. Oh shit Sara why did they take your eyebrows you look like Ginger Frankenstein. Chestnut Frankenstein. Speaking of, Kendal I love you girl but you look kind of like Snoop Dogg. Her Ty-Over straight up worked though. So did the gap toothed girl. Forget what I said about my favorites failing me, Chris comes into her own with that Beyonce weave. Who is Jane?!? Wow, Lexie's before picture. Eegh. Oh shit! Oh shit Ms. J oh shit! With all these people I don't recognize I'm glad they're cutting someone extra because I don't recognize a bunch of these people. Commercial time!!

I love this zero tolerance policy towards Chair drama which they top off with some Highlander shit. I'm sad Terra's leaving. Click-Click-Click-Flash, after all. Whoa! Who is Kid Sarah Silverman?? Chestnut Frankenstein looks horrible. "What do I look like right now?" An Asshole. Nice post production lightning, sorry the girls couldn't enjoy it. What a trite concept for a photoshoot. Mr. J take those arms off! OH damn, Esther is Kid Sarah Silverman. I like that everyone has to come up with a little backstory, but I'm also glad I don't have to hear them because I get douche chills from other people's imaginations : ( CHESTNUT FRANKENSTEIN! MAN. They really did a number on you. Mr. J is straight up nasty this cycle I think he's having problems at the home. That one girl was hustling a little too hard but Lexie you just need to shut up, all the time. Chris girl you gotta man up because you are my great white hope. Kind of.
Being an angel really seems to mean have sick eyebrows. Aww, Ann doesn't have a lot of experience with 'dudes'. Thank God everyone thinks Lexie sucks as much as I do. I'm sorry to keep coming back to this but Chestnut Frankenstein looks like a Super-Villain. Anyway, TJ Maxxx time.

Cigarette Mummy is the guest judge tonight. WHOA that vogue cover. See you in my nightmares, baby! Oh, Nigel's microphone is turned up. No troubbs. I admire all those bitches for co-takingthe falls. Liz damns audibly for falling for some shit. Esther it looks like the male model is trying to stop you from doing something stupid that you think is super clever. Kacey should have turned her head the other way and angled it up more. This is my token attempt at legitimacy before I go back to being Catty. Speaking of; "I mean, really?" Buuurn, Chestnut Frankenstein. Its a super shitty picture though. I like when the judges have to qualify that the sum output of the gang is awful to justify their compliments. Ann of course wins it all but its actually a pretty great picture. Still a bummer that that's the furthest she gotten with 'the dudes'.

Alright, We are almost through this and I've basically written a poorly constructed essay about this Top Model. I don't think there's a market for this. Dreckitude strikes again. The worst made up ANTM word of them all. Bring back Smize if it gets you off Dreckitude : ( These pictures are terrible. Ann would have won even if she wasn't the season favorite. Penelope Tree looks like a high-fashion model in the Horror Dimension. See how many times I called Ann wins and then it happens? I've got this ANTM shit figured out. The judges are vicious this time around, singling out the good ones, giving them their pictures seperately, and then lowering themselves to the rest of the DRECKITUDE BUGHGHGHGGUHUGHGH whatever. Lexie and Chestnut Frankenstein at the bottom. I vote Lexie only because you can't just send home the monster you helped to create. Sadly, Ginger Frankenstein is sent off to be torched by the villagers, despire the fact that Lexie looked deaditorial. WHATEVER. Good night everybody!

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Hey dudesters I am about to bloggle all over the place but I've chosen quality over speed so I will have it up by Sunday so I can watch it again and write while I watch and not eat tacos and try to remember stuff for later. That is no way to write a bloggle, I've discovered.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

America's Next Top Bloggle Cycle 15 - I wish I did not feel like I committed to this!

Hello interfriends! As promised I completely forgot about this until tonight, so I haven't really given any thought to the format or anything but now it's a thing so let's see what happens. Tonight's ANTM was a fucked up hurricane of crazy for 10 or 12 reasons. First of all, for the first time in Top Model history the prize will actually yield them results in the vocation of modelling. I have been watching the show since Cycle 11 and the only time I've seen a girl from Top Model outside of Top Model was seeing McKee on Dog Fancier or Knittingwise Magazine or maybe it was an issue of Wizard with the Joker on the cover, I can't remember. Either way, it was like a J.J. Abrams reboot of Top Model where Tyra threw every twist in the book at the gang. After a rousing freestyle bus rap, Mr. J made his presence known by double crossing the gang and plunging their 20 minute friendships into competition and dare I say, treachery?! Another thing that's all fucked up and different is that other than Ty-Ty spending easily three and a half minutes telling her Rags to Handbags story the whole episode was really stripped down and all business. There wasn't any of the normal Super-Smize purple jumpsuit bullshit where the girls have to pretend to react to something that's going to be added in post. She didn't even have a new word that she used like everyone knows it.

Anyway, the first 15 minutes blasted out every Top Model trope in the book. Girls ganging up on each other, talking shit, being racist, the whole nine yards. Lexie and Jordan had a competition to see who could be the fakest bitch, and no one won. Then the girls met the judges and we learned that the moral of the story is don't tell Tyra you did something pretty unequivocally bigoted and expect to still be on Top Model. The other of the moral of the story is if I ever wake up and find myself transgendered, and I decide to compete on Top Model (thanks Isis for breaking down the wiener wall) I'll just tell them I slept under a tent made of garbage bags and a car door and I'll be sure to make it to at least the second episode. I think I like Liz the best because she looked like the cover of a Shadowrun sourcebook, but on the other hand I like Kendal because I'm a sucker for a Alabama accent and I don't like having semen on my hands either! Another girl whose name I don't remember rapped for the judges, and I'd just like to say to all the white girls who may see this; Don't rap. Ann looks like Abraham Lincoln, and Esther's boobs are rude as hell. By this point in the episode its apparent to everyone that Lexie does mad bong ripz all day and all night. The sisters are out of control, and I'm glad they both made it in, but in such a way that they were guaranteed to POP THE FUCK OFF when that became apparent.

So the girls all got together and took pictures together and whatever. It's the first episode and I refuse to care until I know who I'll be seeing again on the 15th. One thing I will say is that it hurt my heart with laughter to see Jordan be all "I was trying to sex up the photoshoot" and then it cut to her trying to do it and it was the most put-upon thing I'd ever seen. Lexie looked like she was about an eighth in at that point and was too busy thinking about chips. Mr. J got obvious douche chills and we all got on with our lives. The final call went pretty much the way you expected it to. Seeing that awful Jordan fall apart for not making the cut felt pretty good in the parts of my brain responsible for schadenfreude and being mean. I've got a good feeling about this cycle after some pretty ho-hum ones recently. So, there we go. I very nearly annihilated this post trying to see how long it is and its already too long for anyone to want to read ever so I will leave it at my very favorite thing about ANTM:

Thursday, June 10, 2010

cycle 14 - underneath the laughter

Here was everything I had to say about Cycle 14. It runs the full gamut from Racist to Unbelievably Racist. These are just short, curt and catty twitter posts in no particular (but at the same time chronological) order. Hopefully this will tide us all over until the next cycle starts up (TBA 2010 HEY TY TY LETS MAKE WITH THE AIRDATES [I HAVE BEEN DRINKING]): OH P.S. I know I'm breaking colon rules but i should point out that its pretty obvious what days i posted what and whatever IF YOU ARE LOOKING AT MY TWITTER but I'm going to post them in the form of one giant block because that's basically like how art is.
  • this cycle of top model is like the sideshow tent you have to pay extra for once you've already paid to see the guy with lobster hands
  • my god, the hoops, the uneven eyebrows. there are a lot of blue ribbon eyebrows this cycle. yeah, i'm just going to post as i watch
  • i hate that rich piece of shit!
  • raina, you're caterpillar face
  • corpse the ginger, you've been dealt a rough hand. what's with the sex questions?
  • i can't wait to see grace jones and the super crazy one mix it up
  • that sheraton they keep using as an establishing shot is totally gross. also, seriously. the conversations this cycle. thanks the cw
  • my name is amy, i look like a bird. i have no personality.
  • plus-size black girl, you just won as far as i am concerned
  • two caterpillar faces! i'll call this one caterpillar face mumbai. seriously, empowering stuff though
  • mr. j has a soft spot for hardluck ghetto stories
  • *MRS J : (
  • weird girl, fuck you. straight up.
  • i am that obnoxious rich girl : (
  • whoa, whoa, holy shit. tinyface! i thought the girls they focused on were weird looking. ahahah they had to censor weird girl's cooch
  • ginger frankenstein. just sayin.
  • tyra so help me god 3 spots left you'd better pick plus-size black girl
  • lmao @ the chorus of sobs as the second name was called. man, fuck you tyra. plus-size black girl forever
  • oh...hey perez. : \
  • seriously? what kind of person has to be bargained with to not gossip about kids
  • i came into this with the expectation that ty-overs are a mid-season treat, but every cycle they push it up. ridiculous.
  • ginger frankenstein is the new mckey
  • laura!! : )))

ACTUALLY I LIED! I am going to do a number of posts about cycle 14, because to put all of my numerous tweets into a single post would create an unreadable skyscraper of text, each floor 140 characters (squared) MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA! SEE YOU TOMORROW SOMETIME OR NOT BECAUSE YOU DO NOT READ THIS BLOG (YET [NEVER {SOMETIMES?!}!!]!!!)

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

it's a top bloggle to me

hi interfriends! i feel i should preface things for all 2 people who accidentally stumble on this page and the 10 people i know irlz who might read it out of a sort of sense of obligation. my wife got me into top model, but she was away for cycle 14. finding myself with no one to snark out to, i loosed my venom into the morass that is twitter. it got a pretty great response from those 10 people i referred to earlier, so i've decided to blog the next cycle in a more verbose format! so here it is, america's next top bloggle. i don't assume anyone will read this so its going to get pretty blue!!! anyway, i don't know when the next cycle starts so i'm just going to post a cycle 14 retrospective and then probably forget about this by the time cycle 15 rolls around.